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Slightly unlocked

I turned the knob on the door in my room, it didn’t open, my heart skipped a bit. I turned it again, applying more pressure this time, the door refused to open. Yep, my heart positively sank this time. I have been locked indoors once again. I can’t define what I am feeling right now....

slightly unlocked

I turned the knob on the door in my room, it didn’t open, my heart skipped a bit. I turned it again, applying more pressure this time, the door refused to open. Yep, my heart positively sank this time. I have been locked indoors once again. I can’t define what I am feeling right now. I mean this had happened a lot of times before, you would think I would be used to it by now but nope, the pain never gets easier.

My sister is graduating from college today, and my parents are having a party but I have been stopped from attending. I promised not to attend but my parents locked me in just to be sure. After all, I have been known not to be able to control my actions. The music and noise from the party floated into my ears, a feeling of deja vu washed over me, or maybe it wasn’t. How many times over the past few years have I been locked indoors like this? Definitely more than I can count. I wonder what excuse they would give people today about my absence. It’s not as if people don’t know about Bello’s crazy daughter anyway. I suffer from delusions and hallucinations, I have been told, I talk to people I can’t see and I cant separate real voices from imaginary ones in my head. Sometimes, I tell people I can bring them messages directly from God, I can stay awake for a week, I have episodes/incidences i cant recall. Sometimes, I am normal. Other times, I am not. Nobody understands what is going on with me.

What sort of affliction is this? My mum is always quick to point out she “didn’t give birth to me this way” when she wants to be nice. Other times, she just says “I know I didn’t ask to give birth to a mad person” All these started a few years ago. Some people said it’s the effect of an ancestral curse or most likely, a demonic possession. How else do they explain the strange utterances, strange behaviour, and doing things I can’t recall later? I have been taken to different pastors, Imams, Alfas for “deliverance”, I have taken all sorts of concoction, been subjected to all sorts of treatments and i can’t exactly complain because nobody listens, and when they do, my opinion doesn’t matter. Well, sometimes, I don’t make much sense anyway. Everyone knows what’s best for me, except me. I still have scars from my latest delivery sessions, supposedly to cast out the numerous spirits living inside of me but it’s all for my own good.

For the millionth time, i think about my condition. What exactly is wrong with me? Aunty Vicky, my uncle’s oyinbo wife says it might be schizophrenia but my father says it’s the work of his father’s fourth wife. Is this how I am always going to be? How do you suffer from something no one understands? What went wrong with me? My situation keeps getting worse everyday. Most times, I can’t even trust myself because I don’t know how much of the things I see are real. I don’t have the strength for the next deliverance, and I don’t think it’ll work but what do i know…I’m just a crazy 30 year old.

 

-Ameenah Lawal

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1 Comment
  1. Temi Adejuyigbe

    Such a great read… very engaging with subtle yet firm highlights of the issues people dealing with schizophrenia face. Loved reading every word… great job!

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Latest Posts
DEATH’S MODEL
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