I can feel it coming,
Like the waves rolling towards the shore.
I can feel the curtains coming down,
Like they do after a play,
Blotting out the light and everything in sight.
Like the harbinger of doom and plunging me into darkness,
The curtains are coming down,
And I retreat into the darkness with my jailer,
I can hear the gong go off;
It’s time for another round.
The long nights and the darkness are here.
You see about these nights,
They have nothing to do with the movements of the sun,
They come at the commands of my jailer,
They come with tents to sit me out.
These nights; these long nights of battle,
Each time might be the time I lose.
But can’t you see it?
Perhaps if you look closer you would see it,
Something is sitting close to me,
Dwelling inside of me
Pressing me down and sucking the life out of me.
It has sunk its tentacles into me,
And I haven’t been seeing straight.
There isn’t a way to end this,
We are just going to perish together.
I don’t want to die you know,
I just can’t see the end of this pain.
You try to scare me with the hell and damnation,
Awaiting me if I go through with it,
But hell is here already,
Sitting with me and sleeping with me,
Haunting my day and tormenting my nights.
Hell is in my mind, beloved,
It is the jailer that won’t set me free,
My jailer lives in my head for free.
It lets me feel what it wants me to feel,
It lets me see what it wants me to see, and
During these nights; it unleashes torture on me.
My spirit is tired, my resolve weakened
I can get hear it saying to me,
‘Throw in towel, just end it all’
And oh how tempting that sounds.
But not today.
This is not because of your hell and damnation,
But somewhere beyond this curtain
Is an applause I worked for.
There is light somewhere beyond this curtain,
Lights I will see one more time.
I will emerge weary and tired
But dear jailer,
This round belongs to me.
— Ameenah Lawal